Active listening
In my last article I looked at how rapport in a client-centred relationship differs from rapport in an instructor-led relationship and how important it is to establish a client-centred relationship that is equal and non-judgemental because we need our clients to feel they can open up to us without fear of being judged or being made to feel they are stupid.
This article will take this a step further by focusing on another essential coaching skill – listening.
There are a number of different levels of listening and in coaching only the most active are effective. The following five levels of listening are based on a chapter called ‘What is coaching?’ in ‘Excellence in Coaching’ Edited by Jonathan Passmore.
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘Good, good. Today we are going to work on roundabouts.’
In this example the driving instructor is clearly firmly on their own agenda. Often it can be difficult to make the switch into client-centred learning because we get caught up in our long-held beliefs that this is how we were trained and therefore this is what we must do on each lesson. We have a set format to follow, which we know will get our customers ready for their test and it is difficult for us to hear anything else. But, in a client-centred relationship, how the client is feeling is critical to their ability to learn and their ability to drive.
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘You think you’re stressed! There’s so much going on in my life at the moment you wouldn’t believe. My son …… blah, blah, blah.’
If you were sitting with a group of friends chatting then this would be an okay way of holding a conversation because communication in groups tends to meander and then make its way back to the beginning so someone would eventually ask the original person why they are feeling stressed. In a client-centred relationship the client is the most important person in the conversation. How they are thinking and feeling will affect their ability to control the vehicle and also will potentially create barriers to their ability to learn. As ADIs it is important that we actively listen and stay on the client’s agenda because learning to drive is about so much more than dealing with faults. We are not giving value for money and allowing learning to take place if we jump in and tell our own stories.
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘Well, let’s get these roundabouts sorted and then things will look a lot brighter.’ Or, ‘Cheer up, it might never happen.’
In a client-centred relationship the word ‘stressed’ is like a golden nugget because it gives us an opportunity to explore with the client how their emotional state impacts on the way they handle the vehicle and how this could be an issue once they are driving unsupervised. It is really important to listen to the words clients are using and the way they use them, rather than to assume we have the answers and know how they are thinking and feeling; or, worse still, to dismiss what they are saying and move straight back onto our agenda.
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘What are you feeling stressed about?’
How easy is that? All that needs to be done is repeat the words the client used and you will find yourself right on their agenda. Often people get confused about coaching because they think they have to come up with complicated questions and spend their time planning their questions rather than listening. Repeating back allows both ADI and client to check meaning. The client hears the words they used and might respond: ‘I didn’t actually mean stressed … I meant ….’. The ADI has focused on the words that were used and, in doing so, has not had the opportunity to wander off on a different track and has demonstrated to the client that what they are saying is valued.
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘What are you feeling stressed about?’
Client: ‘I have to book my theory test and I never seem to find the time to do it.’
ADI: ‘What’s getting in the way?’
Client: ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’m busy or someone else is on my laptop when I want to be. I don’t seem to be able to stop long enough to work out how and when to do it.’
ADI: ‘Is there anything else that’s stopping you?’
Client: ‘Actually, I keep putting it off because I don’t want to book it.’
ADI: ‘And why don’t you want to book it?’
Client: ‘Because I’m afraid I’ll fail it.’
Bingo! What started off looking like a time-management issue ends up being about self-esteem. If the client’s self-esteem affects their ability to make decisions and gets in the way of their progress, then that is going to have a serious impact on both their learning and their driving.
One powerful listening technique is silence. Sometimes we take a lack of response from the client as meaning they don’t want to talk when in reality they are still preparing what they want to say. If we sit and wait we will often be surprised by how much they will share with us.
In my next article I am going to look at another essential coaching skill, which is questioning and the different types of questions we can use.
In my last article I looked at how rapport in a client-centred relationship differs from rapport in an instructor-led relationship and how important it is to establish a client-centred relationship that is equal and non-judgemental because we need our clients to feel they can open up to us without fear of being judged or being made to feel they are stupid.
This article will take this a step further by focusing on another essential coaching skill – listening.
There are a number of different levels of listening and in coaching only the most active are effective. The following five levels of listening are based on a chapter called ‘What is coaching?’ in ‘Excellence in Coaching’ Edited by Jonathan Passmore.
- The worst level of listening is where the
listener is planning what to say instead of listening to what the speaker is
saying. This is the most irritating level of listening because the speaker can
tell that the listener is not listening. For example,
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘Good, good. Today we are going to work on roundabouts.’
In this example the driving instructor is clearly firmly on their own agenda. Often it can be difficult to make the switch into client-centred learning because we get caught up in our long-held beliefs that this is how we were trained and therefore this is what we must do on each lesson. We have a set format to follow, which we know will get our customers ready for their test and it is difficult for us to hear anything else. But, in a client-centred relationship, how the client is feeling is critical to their ability to learn and their ability to drive.
- The next level of listening is where the
listener gives a reply that is about themselves and not about the speaker. This
is probably how the majority of conventional conversations are conducted. For
example:
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘You think you’re stressed! There’s so much going on in my life at the moment you wouldn’t believe. My son …… blah, blah, blah.’
If you were sitting with a group of friends chatting then this would be an okay way of holding a conversation because communication in groups tends to meander and then make its way back to the beginning so someone would eventually ask the original person why they are feeling stressed. In a client-centred relationship the client is the most important person in the conversation. How they are thinking and feeling will affect their ability to control the vehicle and also will potentially create barriers to their ability to learn. As ADIs it is important that we actively listen and stay on the client’s agenda because learning to drive is about so much more than dealing with faults. We are not giving value for money and allowing learning to take place if we jump in and tell our own stories.
- The next level of listening is about giving
advice, which is still more about the listener than the speaker, and can be close
to the lowest level of listening in the irritation stakes if the speaker is
looking for a sympathetic ear rather than direction. For example,
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘Well, let’s get these roundabouts sorted and then things will look a lot brighter.’ Or, ‘Cheer up, it might never happen.’
In a client-centred relationship the word ‘stressed’ is like a golden nugget because it gives us an opportunity to explore with the client how their emotional state impacts on the way they handle the vehicle and how this could be an issue once they are driving unsupervised. It is really important to listen to the words clients are using and the way they use them, rather than to assume we have the answers and know how they are thinking and feeling; or, worse still, to dismiss what they are saying and move straight back onto our agenda.
- The fourth level of listening is getting into
active listening and is moving onto the client’s agenda. It is about listening and
inviting more. People often work things out while they are talking and a prompt
from the coach may help the flow. For example,
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘What are you feeling stressed about?’
How easy is that? All that needs to be done is repeat the words the client used and you will find yourself right on their agenda. Often people get confused about coaching because they think they have to come up with complicated questions and spend their time planning their questions rather than listening. Repeating back allows both ADI and client to check meaning. The client hears the words they used and might respond: ‘I didn’t actually mean stressed … I meant ….’. The ADI has focused on the words that were used and, in doing so, has not had the opportunity to wander off on a different track and has demonstrated to the client that what they are saying is valued.
- The highest level of listening is all about
listening behind and between the words; listening to the silences; using one’s
intuition. For example,
Client: ‘Oh, feeling stressed. You know how it is ….’
ADI: ‘What are you feeling stressed about?’
Client: ‘I have to book my theory test and I never seem to find the time to do it.’
ADI: ‘What’s getting in the way?’
Client: ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’m busy or someone else is on my laptop when I want to be. I don’t seem to be able to stop long enough to work out how and when to do it.’
ADI: ‘Is there anything else that’s stopping you?’
Client: ‘Actually, I keep putting it off because I don’t want to book it.’
ADI: ‘And why don’t you want to book it?’
Client: ‘Because I’m afraid I’ll fail it.’
Bingo! What started off looking like a time-management issue ends up being about self-esteem. If the client’s self-esteem affects their ability to make decisions and gets in the way of their progress, then that is going to have a serious impact on both their learning and their driving.
One powerful listening technique is silence. Sometimes we take a lack of response from the client as meaning they don’t want to talk when in reality they are still preparing what they want to say. If we sit and wait we will often be surprised by how much they will share with us.
In my next article I am going to look at another essential coaching skill, which is questioning and the different types of questions we can use.
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